I'm a Jerk

My last post had a comment, "You're a jerk." Imagine the freedom that assessment might give someone to know that they are a jerk, and, better yet, to learn that the secret is out. No more pretending. Yes, I'm a jerk. How else can I explain my countless episodes of jerky behavior?

On the other side of the coin, we are all buddhas, whatever that might mean. We just need to awaken to who we really are, which in my case is a jerk (I guess).

I had two interesting interactions yesterday.

I went to a doctor's office and started to sign in. But no sooner had I put the date down, the nurse called me. So I put the pen down and went over to her desk. Another nurse came by, and kept looking at me and at the sign-in list. Finally she said, "you didn't sign in." I looked at the sheet and then told her that as soon as I was called I dropped the pen and came. "Did you learn that from your mother... to always do as you are told?" "No," I went, "my mother would turn in her grave if she knew I was so obedient. But then again, she's not in a grave, she's in the ocean... that is, most of her. The rest we are going to put in the ocean with my dad's ashes two days after Christmas." "Why the ocean?" she said. "Well, they loved the ocean. They'd walk by it every day."

Then I went to get a haircut with my barber, Phyllis. The young kid before me didn't have enough money to pay for his haircut. He was two bucks short. Phyllis told him to go and get some money from an ATM. He wanted to give her what he had now, but she said no, she'll wait for the whole amount.

As my haircut proceeded, I noted that the young kid had not returned. I asked Phyllis if she always gets paid in these cases. "No," she said, "a couple of times I probably didn't." And then she added that sometimes she just forgets. She said that the man upstairs takes care of the people who don't pay.

I looked at the ceiling and wondered if there was a second story I didn't know about. Then I realized what she was saying... that God makes everything just in the end.

So I asked her, "what if the young kid met a starving man and gave the money to him. Would that be OK?" "NO," she answered, "that would not be right! But then, God would take care of him if he did that."

So a month ago I was told by the Jesuit priest and Buddhist teacher Robert Kennedy that "God does not interfere" and now by Phyllis the barber that "God makes things right." Is it possible that both are true?

P.S. As I was leaving Phyllis the young man returned with the money. God is off the hook. Or maybe not. I forgot to ask the young man if he had found any starving men to give the money.

More Notations

I read the other day in Steve Hagen's Buddhism, Plain and Simple, "But how can you be truly happy when you have a death sentence on your head?" This is the theme of this issue of JustThis, Austin Zen Center's Zen journal. What I find amazing is that a part of me believes it is the most important question and yet another part doesn't care about my death sentence. Do we hate a romantic interlude because it is going to end? Of course not. William Blake wrote, "...But he who kisses the joy as it flies/ Lives in eternity's sunrise."

I have known people so fearful of death that they are afraid to live. My grandpa said he didn't want any more dogs because it broke his heart when they died. (He lost his wife and true love after only a couple of years of marriage.) Perhaps there is a limit to how much one is willing to mourn.

So I asked my wife this question and she said that you just have to live in the moment. I wondered if this is a delusion, ignoring the elephant in the room. Is there another way? Can we revere the elephant and revere the moment at the same time? I don't want to forget that impermanence is keenly married to death.

On another front, I was glad today that I voted for Obama. I thought he did a good job acting in the best interest of the country even if it meant not being the pawn of the democrats. In the end, the countries' votes are probably more valuable to him than the democrats favor, but still, it was a good move. I'm always in favor of tax cuts too, especially since it is the only way that government will be smaller.

Merit... not!

The story above, about King Sirisanghabodhi, tells of generosity at its extreme. The former king is given lunch by a man who tells him that there is a bounty on the former King's head. "Great," the former King says, "you can take my head to the new king and pay yourself for this lunch, and then use the remainder as a generous gift from me." What someone will do for merit!

Imagine a letter from your favorite charity, asking for your head, rather than some manageable sum of money!

Yet Bodhidharma was not so generous with Emperor Wu. He told the poor fellow that he would get no merit for all the good things he had done, because he had done them for merit. What an insult this must have been for the Emperor!

So we are supposed to be good, but not for any gain. How different from our Western culture where we tithe to improve our chances for a good eternal life. What priest would say, "give generously, and know that nothing good will come from your generosity"?

Various Notations

A number of issues are rattling around in my mind.

1) In the Costco magazine, a lawyer wrote about how it is reasonable to default on one's mortgage if your house is worth less than what you owe. One of his arguments I had not thought of: that banks do the same. Of course, this is the two wrongs make a right argument, isn't it? Another person wrote a conflicting piece, pointing out the credit problems one has after defaulting... and how, in some states like Florida, the banks can go after you for a number of years.

2) My neighbor wrote me again about sinning and forgiveness. I'm curious if these concepts, over the long run, have produced more compassionate and/or happy human beings. If so, does that justify us holding on to such concepts? If not, should we dispense of them?

3) This week is, in Buddhist temple land, Rohatsu. It is the celebration of Buddha's awakening, the word some like to use for enlightening.  Good Buddhists sit for the week. I'm planning to sit a little each day, but not from 6 am to 9 pm. Today is the anniversary of the passing of Suzuki Roshi, the priest who came to America in 1959 and founded the San Francisco Zen Center. The difference between awakening and enlightening is that the former refers to one discovering who they are while the later suggests discovering something external.

4) I've been thinking about dualism in a number of contexts. Here's an article I found on the Buddhist perspective on dualism. I like that the earth and the sky meet at the horizon. A Zen friend is developing a course in Zen birdwatching, where "being with the birds" will be encouraged rather than "identification." I'm starting to realize how much of my thinking is "either or" which keeps me from hearing the birds. Does that make sense?

Forceiving, the other half of the forgiving equation.

Forceiving, a new word (actually new definition for old word), refers to the act of being forgiven. The process being forgiven requires forceiving.

How does one act when they have been forgiven? Do they just repeat their previous actions? Or do they repent, feeling compassion for the hurt they imposed.

We are told to forgive. But we are not told anything about forceiving, the act of accepting forgiving compassionately.

I did find an historical use of the word "forceive" in the William and Mary Historical Quarterly. It appears to be similar to the word "deduce." So now a new meaning to an old word!

So why a drawing about sin? Well, somehow that has been brought into the equation by my neighbor who says that forgiving implies sin, except you need god to really sin.

P.S. I think I've search my whole life for my will. What I like about Buddhism is that we are Buddhas... we just don't know it. So, in Buddhism, we search to find that Buddha in us. So it is back to searching for our own will, but searching in the realization that we are part of something much much bigger. As big as big is. And then, bigger. Much bigger!!!!

Forgiveness Meditation

Even though we are one we can hurt eachother, he said.

Colin gave this out last night when he gave his dharma talk on forgiveness:

For the harm you have done to me, knowingly or unknowingly, I now forgive you.

For the harm I have done to you, knowingly or unknowingly, please forgive me.

For the harm I have done to myself, knowingly or unknowingly, I now forgive myself.

As one meditates with these thoughts they hopefully would be closer toward this state of forgiveness. What a weight it would take off of our shoulders!

So much good energy is expended on grudges. IMHO (in my humble opinion) grudges that focus on people being who they are. WDYE (what did you expect? (I made that one up)).

My neighbor said that we can't forget because whatever we forget is always in the back of our minds... so I guess we need to do something more severe... like FORGIVE. Do it now. Please!

Thanks!

Forgive and Forget

Heard a good talk tonight on forgiveness. As I listened to it, I thought that Buddhism would be worth it if it could help just one person forgive another.

In the Lord's Prayer we hear, "And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us."
There we ask God to forgive us, but we could just as well ask that of others.

In the moment there is no forgiveness needed. Without judgement there is no forgiveness needed. When we believe that our memory is real we need to forgive since we attach ourselves to our conjured up past.