The Color of Wind

Koan:

What color does the wind have?

There was a Korean koan teacher who'd give his students the answer to the koans and they'd then have to find their way to that answer themselves. When I became the wind moving the green leaves all became clear. Now I'm waiting for rain, hoping I can feel where the rain comes from, my next koan.

The Body and Function of Wind

Koan:

Distinguish the body and function of wind.

He said, “you are very unsparing with yourself.” Then I told my wife that 1) I am not the one in my works. I create a being who responds to life in his own way. It is only personal in that it is my creation and 2) when I became the wind I was quickly freed from the little boy being scolded. In truth, my wife of 56 years doesn't really scold me. She simply asked, “Did you mean to leave the burner on?”

Hearing it Closer

Koan:

The wind is whistling through the old pine, hearing it closer, the sound is better.

I had always thought of the metal as solid and wind as the opposite. Then as I imagined the bell's electrons in chaotic motion, I realized that the bell or even a mountain was also wild like wind.

How miserable, how miserable....

Koan:

How miserable, how miserable—transmigrating the three worlds.

Devas desire to be reborn on earth so that they can be miserable and thereby become enlightened. Is it unfortunate that we don't grow much without challenges?

A Newborn Baby

Koan:

A newborn baby...is it born with all six consciousnesses?

No Beard

Koan:

Why has the Western Barbarian no beard?

How am I when the other is wrong? Yesterday I was irked at someone driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Might I have responded differently? Was I “pulled by karma or led by vow”?

Hanging from a Branch

Koan:

Kyogen said, “It’s like a man up a tree, hanging from a branch with his mouth; his hands cannot grasp a bough, his feet won’t reach one. Under the tree there is a man who asks him the meaning of Bodhidharma’s coming from the West. If he does not answer he will lose his life. What should he do?”

How hard it is to accept one's condition—or the condition of the world. It is much easier to blame others or to come up with a clever solution. As I sit, I realize that “this is life as it is!”

In a Dream #2

Koan:

How do you answer if you are asked, what is the meaning of Bodhidharma coming from the west, by someone in a dream? If you cannot answer it the teachings of the Buddha are worthless.

Every week I'd complain to my dad about some injustice or irregularity in my life or the world. He would always divert the conversation to something more interesting.

In a Dream #1

Koan:

How do you answer if you are asked, what is the meaning of Bodhidharma coming from the west, by someone in a dream? If you cannot answer it the teachings of the Buddha are worthless.

Norman Fischer's Lojong slogan, “See everything as a dream,” might have helped me here. When I drift off, it is always uncomfortable to be asked, “Where are you right now?” And then there is the boundless “now” that began before my parents were born and never ends.

How simple am I willing to let it be?

I'm just dreaming!!!

Moving Mountains

Koan:

A man asked Ummon, “How do Buddhas appear?” Ummon answered, “The eastern mountain moves along the stream.”

Mountains are mountains—or are they—or aren't they?

It was only recently that I realized that motion, not stillness, is the default.

Aimlessness

Koan:

Absorbed in the flight of birds, he sees mindlessly.

I see two brands of concentration: hard and soft. Seeing this way is definitely soft. And maybe so soft it becomes hard.

Murmuring Waters

Koan:

Through the flowing murmuring waters he walks leisurely.

It amazes me that the water doesn't get tired—like my grandfather-in-law who could pull weeds all day long. Or like sitting when I'm not waiting for the bell.

The Leaf Falls

Koan:

Empty handed—the wind blows. Yet holding a rake—the leaf falls.

We think we are ready. Ha! Every moment is a surprise!

Incense Powder

Koan:

Bring me the incense powder made out of shunyata (boundlessness).

I'm learning that simple acts can be done with such reverence. Even smiling at a person or shaking their hand. When done this way, the earth seems to stop moving for a moment and we can hear the bell permeating everywhere, even before and after.

Beginningless #4: The beginningless self-nature has been awakened.

Koan:

Seikenko of Cho composed a gatha as he was enlightened upon hearing thunder strike.
Sitting in the room in absolute silence.
Mind-source unmoved, filled like still water.
The striking of thunder has opened the gate of the head’s crown.
The beginningless self-nature has been awakened.
Present the implication or content of each line.

Knock, knock, who's there? Maybe this awakening is just like unexposed film—full of potential and ready for action.

Beginningless #3: The striking of thunder has opened the gate of the head's crown.

Koan:

Seikenko of Cho composed a gatha as he was enlightened upon hearing thunder strike.
Sitting in the room in absolute silence.
Mind-source unmoved, filled like still water.
The striking of thunder has opened the gate of the head’s crown.
The beginningless self-nature has been awakened.
Present the implication or content of each line.”

I like the expression “you hit it on the head.” And not only the crown, but the protuberance on the top of the head representing the status of being a Buddha. And yet, this is only an entrance, a door.

Beginningless #2: Mind-source unmoved, filled like still water.

Koan:

Seikenko of Cho composed a gatha as he was enlightened upon hearing thunder strike.
Sitting in the room in absolute silence.
Mind-source unmoved, filled like still water.
The striking of thunder has opened the gate of the head’s crown.
The beginningless self-nature has been awakened.
Present the implication or content of each line.”

It is so easy to be still when not much is happening—not even being anticipatory. We mistakenly hope that life will be like this, mistakenly because that is an invitation for disappointment.

Beginningless #1: Sitting in the room in absolute silence.

Koan:

Seikenko of Cho composed a gatha as he was enlightened upon hearing thunder strike.
Sitting in the room in absolute silence.
Mind-source unmoved, filled like still water.
The striking of thunder has opened the gate of the head’s crown.
The beginningless self-nature has been awakened.
Present the implication or content of each line.

Absolute silence seems like a contradiction in terms. I look at the figure we (my cosmic assistant and I) drew and I look like I'm being electrocuted. I seemed to be hearing lots.

He asked how the study of the koans affected my sitting. Maybe here I could see myself so agitated—barely "sitting."

Five-Storied Pagoda #3

Koan:

Take out a five-storied pagoda from a teapot.

Is it enough to just do a job? What state of mind is required? Dogen wrote, “...he must handle them as carefully as if they were his own eyes.” I can simply put the pagoda in the teapot—plunk!, or I can do it with the realization that this is my own eyes that I'm holding in my hands.

Five-Storied Pagoda #2

Koan:

Take out a five-storied pagoda from a teapot.

I don't think you eat the strawberry as a last resort. Rather it is just about “being here now.“ Still, my mind was on the tigers. I couldn't enjoy the strawberry worrying about death. Odd how we might know what we might do or think... but that doesn't help.

Five-Storied Pagoda #1

Koan:

Take out a five-storied pagoda from a teapot.”

Jesus said, “With God all things are possible,” when speaking of entering the kingdom of heaven. The Zen teacher Norman Fischer is a great champion of imagination. Yet I was stuck with this simple act. Again, I was trying so hard to “figure it out.”

A Stone Grave #2

Koan:

How do you get out of a stone grave which is locked from the outside?

We speak of nirvana and samsara as both being part of life, and each being a necessary ingredient for enlightenment. What do I do when I'm in an intolerable situation? My difficulty was that I wasn't being honest.

A Stone Grave #1

Koan:

How do you get out of a stone grave which is locked on the outside?

At first it seemed like a situation I would probably never encounter—and then realizing now, in retrospect, it is my life, being in this body and world that I have so little power over. Though I can think of death as inevitable... I could flip that and consider life—really tasting life—as a possibility.

Peel of Orange #2

Koan:

Bring me the peel of orange you ate yesterday.

What can we really deliver? What can I bring today?

Peel of Orange #1

Koan:

Bring me the peel of orange you ate yesterday.

I seem to be feeling around for my pillow in the dark...and not finding it. Where am I, in yesterday or in today?

When the World was Created #3

Koan:

When the world was created, what was god (the creator) like?

The second I refer to “I,” a messy duality is born. Maybe I should adopt a pronoun like “they.” Sometimes with these koans I feel like screaming, “Stop messing with me!”

When the World was Created #2

Koan:

When the world was created, what was god (the creator) like?

It makes sense that the head is so big in this drawing because I was so full of my head. Why didn't I see that I was simply being born, one moment ago?

When the World was Created #1

Koan:

When the world was created, what was god (the creator) like?

I should have sympathy for those parts of my brain that are activated by such questions. Why haven't they learned to simply ask the body? So I guess I'm blaming them a little, like I might blame a kid who raises his hand in class to answer a question and who always misses the point.

A Hungry Ghost

Koan:

Save a Hungry Ghost

Yesterday I thought about how the fulfillment of a desire doesn't end craving. Maybe it does for the first few bites, but then we start worrying about how much the ice cream cost, or whether it will make us fatter, or whether it will give us cavities. So we can't even enjoy the ice cream. Or we might, and then instantly start craving something else. Hunger isn't ended by feeding. Suffering is caused by craving, but is ended by other means than eating (i.e., the Eightfold Path).

River #2

Koan:

Stop the fighting across the river.

This is a great lesson on what I can do. And hopefully, if I stop fighting, there will be a little less war.

River #1

Koan:

Stop the fighting across the River.

I'm surprised how agitated I appear in the drawing. Now it is almost six months after I drew this, and I see myself as the one with the peace [sic] pipe and the man sleeping on the beach as the one I'd like to be. I tried to represent the fighting as a bunch of twisted branches in a fire. I wish I could stop the fighting. And I wonder whether the fighting is really occurring.

Ol' Monk

Koan:

Without using your hands, make this old priest get up.”

I was on the phone with a grammar school and high school classmate earlier today. I asked him if he saw himself as an old person, being almost 80. He kept saying, “That's a really good question.” I said, ”Growing up, we'd call someone who was almost 80 old." “Yes,” he replied.

Thinking of these koans as tricky puzzles is where I go wrong. Better to be naive and uncomplicated.

Siblings #2

Koan:

The girl over there, is she the elder or the younger sister? If the student is a woman: That guy over there, is he the younger or older brother?

Gradually I've been learning that there really is no “over there.” Photographers say that the subject of a photograph is the photographer. Perhaps the subject of a koan is the reader.

Siblings #1

Koan:

Gradually I've been learning that there really is no “over there.” Photographers say that the subject of a photograph is the photographer. Perhaps the subject of a koan is the reader. The girl over there, is she the elder or the younger sister? If the student is a woman: That guy over there, is he the younger or older brother?”

This suggested a little suspicion (paranoia?) in me when I jumped to the conclusion that maybe someone was trying to fool me, like the kid who sold me a two-headed nickel, only to discover it had been soldered together. Koans are another lesson to exhibit curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions.

Sailboat

Koan:

How do you become one with a sailboat?”

Hsin Hsin Ming: “...in this ‘not two’ nothing is separate, and nothing in the world is excluded.” In the storm, one feels part of the boat as it rocks violently from side to side.

An Immovable Tree

Koan:

Show me an immovable tree in a heavy storm.

I like the paradox of an immovable tree in a heavy story. It reminds me of Suzuki Roshi's statement that if it isn't a paradox it isn't true. And, also of the story about the man in the hut who is unmoved by the beautiful woman. Is either possible? And yet, we can try to be a rock that is firmly set in the ground even when the earth is shaking.

The Sounds of the World #3

Koan:

Become one with the sounds of the world.

After being married to my imagination for 3/4+ of a century, I'm having trouble not doing that. When I try to become one with the sounds of the world, I have no trouble imagining horrific and pleasurable sounds (the sirens) from the past present* and future. But what about dropping the stories and just being with the sounds themselves in this moment?

Buzzing, Rain on Roof, Wife's TV, Phone Ringing, More Buzzing, Clipboard Hitting Table, Coffee Mug Making Noise As Lifted Out From Holder

[With] Each with these I drop self and hear sound.

*—Sometimes I think there is no present because it is a moment so short that it doesn't even exist in time.

The Sounds of the World #2

Koan:

Become one with the sounds of the world.

What came together today was shikantaza (just sitting), buddha fields, and the world. All are just this... whatever is right here right now (as the cliché goes). Sound is sound, but it is also any phenomenon that creates a sensation [IMHO]. The five-clouded world is on top of my ear. It is exploding my ear drum. Someday it might be so quiet that I could hear a pin drop [which I've never heard [yet].

The Sounds of the World #1

Koan:

Become one with the sounds of the world.

Opps. 6 fingers. Earth on 5 GIANT cloudy day. Buddha Dharma Sangha (3 treasures).

They told us in school [with a straight face] what was the world. It wasn't where I road my bike [in the alley]. I heard sirens and saw Patty the One-arm who had a difficult birth. She reminded us how privileged we all were. I can still see her every day walking down the street...always alone, with one arm dangling. [Next life I'll buy her a milkshake at Walgreens.]

My first intensive was at a Vietnamese monastery. I asked if you can be in the present thinking about past. A monk took an hour to answer me. He said yes, you could.

A Distant Temple Bell #2

Koan:

Become one with the sound of a distant temple bell.

I am the bell. It was distant until I heard it & then I stepped into the bell [gingerly] and got showered with the sound and the vibration of the bell jiggled jiggling me thru & thru [actually more times than the sands of the Ganges]. Soon there was a dharma talk and the words didn't stop [hearing the peal of the hammer before, during, and after] but permeated through the pores of skin making & shaking all my cells as the talk rained over me. I didn't listen in the same way that the fish don't know they are in water until they aren't.

A Distant Temple Bell #1

Koan:

Become one with the sound of a distant temple bell.

I was misconstruing “embodied” to mean taking something inside oneself. So I put my nocelf [sic] inside a classic 8734 model Acme kasket [sic]. Then I was really isolated from the sound of the distant temple bell. So I created a spirit to rise out of the casket to become one with the sound. God is looking on. She is not thrilled with this strategy. It is good that I'm smoking a pipe in the casket becuase then the spirit could come from the smoke. First thing I bought when I went to college was a pipe and tobacco. I had just turned 17 and I was going to be grown up.

Mu #5

Koan:

A monk asked Joshu, a Chinese Zen master: “Has a dog Buddha-nature or not?”
Joshu answered, “Mu!”

Photons don’t reveal themselves until they connect with phenomenon. Just like light, buddha nature must be everywhere and every time, but it needs phenomenon to reveal itself. If mu is anywhere it must be everywhere, always. A mist. The buddhafield. Kind of like sweat.

Mu #4

Koan:

A monk asked Joshu, a Chinese Zen master: “Has a dog Buddha-nature or not?”
Joshu answered, “Mu!”

I've been told that there is just one buddha nature. Yet here it is just within me and my pup, with a sky of negative buddha nature. But what about the ground? And the trees? If buddha nature is anywhere, it has got to be everywhere. And I must remember that my everywhere is not your everywhere. One buddha nature but many everywheres.

Mu #3

Koan:

A monk asked Joshu, a Chinese Zen master: “Has a dog Buddha-nature or not?”
Joshu answered, “Mu!”

I merged with my dog. We were full of MT, so to speak. But we were isolated from everything else. Which is being alone. It didn't feel right.

Mu #1 and #2

Koan:

A monk asked Joshu, a Chinese Zen master: “Has a dog Buddha-nature or not?”
Joshu answered, “Mu!”

[Mu is the negative symbol in Chinese, meaning “No thing” or “Nay.”]

Years ago my teacher was telling us about Buddha-nature and I innocently asked [having two dogs] if dogs have Buddha-nature. He didn't answer, but subsequently on many occasions told me that I was too discursive.

1) I told my koan teacher that mu was stuck in my gut. He failed me, of course. I was adjusting to the fact that I'd fail each week I met with him and that would be fine. XLax didn't help either. Mu was stuck... like a hard rock.

2) By the next week I was imagining that I was in a mu-storm and it penetrated through me. I remember the song from the year we were married (1969), “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.” I was happy with mu flowing through me. And still I failed. There was still a dualism of me and mu.

The cool thing about koan study is that if someone told you the “answer” you'd still fail. Knowing about love or even the secret of a good relationship doesn't insure anything. Reading about going to Paris isn't the same as going to Paris. How does one have an experience of mu? Paris was easier.

Koan Puzzles Intro for book

An older cousin, who lived with us for a time, remembered that my dad was always giving us puzzles. There were a few puzzles I couldn’t solve. One was why no one could understand my speech. What was wrong with them, I thought? And the second was about death. What was that about? Was it something to fear? I liked math and especially word problems. They were my favorite pastime.

Fast forward to Zen. My first teacher told us that everything has Buddha Nature. Not knowing Mu, but having a couple of dogs, I asked him if dogs had Buddha Nature. He made a somewhat odd expression but kindly didn’t say, “that’s your first koan.”

Then I did an sesshin with a Rinzai zen teacher. The koan was, “what is this” and time after time I was rung out before I could barely open my mouth. Why couldn’t I figure out this apparently simple koan?

I did take a koan class or two or three. One priest-to-be in the class seemed to get them. I couldn’t understand what they were about. They seemed to be esoteric and to rely on holy grail with which I wasn’t familiar.

When I was head student I picked what seemed like a simple koan, only to discover that there are no simple koans. And to also discover that they are all simple. Suzuki Roshi said if it isn’t a paradox it isn’t true.

The koan I chose was the one where Buddha holds up a flower and Kassapa smiles. Everyday I dild a piece with words and drawing about this koan and ended up doing my three head student dharma talks sharing these.

Imagination played a role here. But it wasn’t the imagination of making things up, To the contrary, I was asked once how I reconciled my work to that of the realists… and I responded that I’m a realist. I express what I’m feeling. I don’t like artists who make things up.

Which brings me to my pets. I have a rhino, a penguin, three dogs, and a half dog, half wolf. My wife says that they aren’t real… that they were just in my imagination. I insist that just because she can’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Lately she’s been more accepting that they might be real though not visible. Or maybe she’s just trying to humor me.

After being head student I was told by my teachers not to do any teaching for a year. I probably should have been disappointed with this request but wasn’t. I did do a lot of studying with others… and that pretty much filled my life. I was never much a fan of dharma talks anyway. Teaching in art schools all my life was more and conversations than lectures. I never learned too much from lectures, and didn’t think that others did either, with the exception of my daughter, who could hear a one hour lecture and tell me about it for two hours.

We had a once a month koan/meditation session that I would sometimes lead. Sometimes others would tell too much when introducing the koan for the evening. That seemed to inhibit the student’s imagination.

I was asked to give a dharma talk at another temple. I told one of my teachers that I wanted to do it about a koan. She said that I haven’t worked with koans so I should do it on something else. So I did it on happiness which she didn’t think was a Buddhist concept.

Fast forward to about a year ago when I made the web site for the Lay Zen Teachers Organization. I worked with Al Rappaport and saw that he’d been teaching koans for a number of years. For about six months I’m been working with him, meeting him weekly.

He started out asking me where I felt the koan in my body. I didn’t respond well to this but it did suggest that the koans weren’t discursive puzzles to figure out. I knew that I discover how I feel about things by looking at my drawings of them. In fact, as I started to look at some of first drawings that I did of the koans, I saw that I had been expressing more than what I realized at the time.

Another of my teachers, Flint Sparks, would ask, “how simple are you willing to let it be.” It is quite amazing to me all the words spoken and written of Buddhism. And all the words about art. I remember in college doing a paper on Robert Frost and liking what he said when asked to explain one of his poems, “do you want me to tell you in other and worse language.” I feel that way about my drawings. However, for almost 60 years I have had a lot of words in my pictures. In fact, one of my painting/lithography teachers would tell me to get the words out of my pieces. I gave him one of my pieces with words and he hung it in the hallway of his house.

What was Buddha saying when he held up a flower. Kassapa got it with a smile. The other monks didn’t. And it wasn’t that Buddha had a well-trained and discursive mind equal to few. But when he really had to say something really profound, he held up a flower. And likewise, when Kassapa responded with a smile he said more that al the grains of sand in the Ganges river.

The commentary outside of the pictures was written after the drawing was made as I saw things in the drawings that I didn’t initially see. Al would have me act out my response to the koan. Sometimes he would say, you have it in the drawing. So then I’d look again at the drawing and let my drawing be my teacher.

Boyfriend

Rhinoceros Fan (an infamous koan)

One day Yanguan called to his attendant, "Bring me the rhinoceros fan."
The attendant said, "The fan is broken."
Yanguan said, "Then bring me the rhinoceros!"
The attendant had no reply.
Zifu drew a circle and wrote the word "rhino" inside it.

This is No Other

Dialogue with Charlie

Are You Enlightened?

JOKO BECK had finished a talk and asked if there were any questions. A young man raised his hand and bluntly asked, “Are you enlightened?” Her response was immediate. Laughing, she said, “I hope I should never have such a thought!”

Moon, Susan. The Hidden Lamp: Stories from Twenty-Five Centuries of Awakened Women (p. 41). Wisdom Publications. Kindle Edition.