Good and Bad, and the Talmud

Remember, if you grow any taller I might not hit the apple.

I wanted to be taller. But tall people hit their head more than I do. One of the deans at the college I was at used to say "careful what you wish for."

I've been pretty hard on the Talmud, but now I'm starting to get into it. Esp. when it gives me permission to do something I thought I shouldn't do. So here's what happened:

I went to the Central Market to buy some fish and potatoes. It was a Talmud exercise... kind of. Well, the Talmud said to think with your heart and to control your passions. With that, I wouldn't buy fish, because my heart would tell me not to kill a fish, and my passion to eat a fish would be controlled. And since the Talmud said to control my passion I wasn't going to eat any free samples either.

But then I walked by a guy who was handing out free all-beef hotdog samples. I thought about another line from the Talmud that said something about living your life so that you don't pass by any pleasure... something like that... I'm sure it wasn't referring to free sample hotdogs... but it was written a while ago too. I passed by the guy, and then did an about face, and not only ate the scrap of hot dog, but the free cheese sample and a few others.

Later I thought about my cousin Larry who recently left earth. He was very disappointed that I was not more involved in Judaism. He loved my parents, but I'm sure thought they are erred greatly in not teaching us about our roots.

We got so close...

We got so close it got dark.

If Gov. shuts down...

If the Gov. shuts down will I still have to pay taxes?

Judgment Day

http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/273664 claims that "The poorest households in the United States gave on average 4.3 percent of their income while the richest fifth gave just 2.1 percent of their income."

And http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=2682730&page=1 claims that the conservative, poor, and religious give the most. 

As usually, the rich don't come off smelling like a rose. Is it true that they don't give their fair share? What about the progressive tax system? David Friedman, in a recent post, claimed that Adam Smith didn't support that. Can we think of the progressive tax as a means for getting the rich to pay their fair share. Or, do we believe the studies that said when taxes were less the rich were more philanthropic?

There are many types of giving. One is putting a few dollars in a passed basket at church. Another is providing a great education for your children or littering the world with fine art. That gives to society. In the end, I think we are short-sided when we try to make judgments. And here's a quote from the Talmud that I agree with wholeheartedly (well, depending on your interpretation): "A person will be called to account on Judgment Day* for every permissible thing he might have enjoyed but did not.”

*—In some judgment days, the world is destroyed for the sins of mankind. In the Jewish judgment day, the book is opened that has all of our deeds. For those of us who haven't behaved there is an opportunity for repentance and a change of our ways.

Let the fear of Heaven be upon you. (More Talmud)

3. Antigonus of Soko received from Shime'on ha-Çaddiq. He used to say, Be not as slaves that minister to the lord with a view to receive recompense; but be as slaves that minister to the lord without a view to receives recompense; and let the fear of Heaven be upon you.

Rosedale Tar Drip

I don't know why so many of these wise Jewish sayings have three statements in them, and the first two are much easier to take than the third. They are almost like a syllogism:

No lazy people pass exams.
Some students pass exams.
Some students are not lazy.

You agree with the first two statements and then feel like you've been sold a bill of goods. You know "students are lazy." That's why they are students. And professors are lazy too. Even Picasso had those moments drinking wine and chasing after women. What a waste that was!

The Jewish pearls of wisdom are like Buddhist koans. It is easy to buy the idea of not doing things for recompense (or gain), and it is a fine idea to work for the lord (esp. when the lord is defined as "all things"), but how can one do any of this with a fear of Heaven? Is this a fear that if we do things for gain, and we are not ministers of the lord, we'll be struck dead?

Beats me...

...she says I need shoes.

My wife looked at my face as we were going to the mall. "This is worse than a root canal for you, isn't it?"

I got to go to the Apple store, and fell in love with the $69 track pad. But didn't get one. Then went to Brookstone and drew a picture on a Boogie Pad. You can write a note on it... and... well, that's it. So I drew a picture and promptly the salesman erased me. I asked him what he thought he was doing. I said I wanted to take a picture of my picture. So I drew another picture.

Oh, the suit. First I went to Men's Warehouse. They had a two for one sale. I knew I didn't want two suits, so I texted my future son-in-law and asked him if he'd want a suit. He texted back, "get two." I texted back, "daughters or suits." 

Then I went to Macy's and another dept. store. One had an expensive suit, and another a cheap suit that didn't fit. 

Then, on a lark (I suspect I was drugged), I went to Nordstrom and bought some suit. We forgot to photograph me with the pants... but here's "it" with jeans.

I sent this picture to my daughter. She asked about the pants. I told the saleslady that my mom always wanted to buy a suit for me. She said my mom will love it. Mom... Mom... do you love it? 

I then saw tears in my wife's eyes... and asked her what was wrong. She said she was so happy I got a suit. 

And now she says I need shoes. 

THE HEART IS SOVEREIGN

I found this on the web at http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/wott/wott10.htm

The rabbis were impressed with the profoundly important role that emotions play in life. The heart, which they looked upon as the seat of emotion, was regarded by them the principal source of control over all human actions. "All of man's bodily organs are dependent on the heart," was a Talmudic dictum. It is the heart therefore which may be said to carry responsibility for whatever we do in life. Thus one rabbinic comment offers us the sweeping generalization: "The heart sees, hears, speaks, walks, falls, stands, rejoices, hardens, softens, grieves, fears, is broken, is haughty … persuades, errs, fears, loves, hates, envies, searches, reflects. …"

The rabbis prized highly the ability of some people to control their emotions. To control one's emotions and to bring life under the directing voice of reason was regarded by the rabbis as the mark of true heroism. "Who is a hero?" one rabbi asked in the ethical treatise Abot. His reply was: "He who controls his passion."

I thought it was somewhat contradictory. Loving, hating, envying, and controlling one's passion. I asked my neighbor who has a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering (but never took a course in the field) about the heart. He said something about the organ that pumps blood.

Is the controlling of passion what the Buddhists call "equanimity?" I hoped to ask the Rabbi tonight, but he didn't come to a meeting (about the environment) at the temple that I went to tonight.

Penny Pincher, Suit Tomorrow, Off the Wagon

Today I decided I would save $1 plus postage and drive to the license bureau to get my new sticker. So I went there and waited in line. Finally I almost got the sticker, but the clerk needed my insurance card. I said it was in my car. She said she'd wait. I went out to my car to get it, brought it back, and, upon inspection, the clerk surmised it was for a different car. Opps! She said I could have faxed the right one... but I started thinking that because I wasn't in the last month before the sticker expires I was getting eleven months for the price of twelve. I ended up leaving to return some Lands End jeans to Sears. They just didn't fit, and they didn't have the kind that did. I asked Sears if they had what I wanted, but the woman at the cash register said I needed to wait for the other woman who had gone to the break room for a Snickers. So I waited a short time and then gave up and went to my car to call my wife to see what I needed to get from the grocery store.

After eating Sunday all the good food left over from a party on Saturday, I decided to get on the wagon this morning. Had one tortilla, a few beans and some veges for breakfast. From there it was down hill, esp. after getting the results of my blood test and seeing how low was my cholesterol.

I bought six salmon steaks for a party of eight tonight. I knew one person is a strict vegan, and I was going to be the second. But at the last moment I cut all the steaks in half, ate a bunch myself, and there was enough left for a snack and then some.

So, like the rest of the human race, I'll try tomorrow to get back on the wagon... which maybe I'll not do tomorrow since cold salmon is my favorite food, or maybe not that wagon.

I asked my wife if tomorrow is suit day, and she said "yes, we don't have much time before we'll need it." Herb sent me the name of a place where you buy a suit and you get the next half of a suit free... or maybe it was the second suit for half price. Unlikely I'll get two suits, having a true need for none. Except my daughter thinks I'll like a suit because the women will all want to dance with me. But I don't like to dance, so my plan for no suit was better than I thought.

Anyway (feeling a lot like Holden Caulfield) I guess tomorrow is the day. Hopefully we'll find some likable and smart salesperson who can find something for me quickly. I've learned patience... but not with shopping.

Situational Ethics

I don't want to buy a suit. My dad left me all these fine suits and I think I just gave the last one to my future son-in-law. They didn't fit. My dad was 20 fewer pounds that I. And they all had stains. My dad got a little sloppy and hard of seeing in his old age (though never sloppy in his thinking).

So Tuesday I'll go get a suit, I guess... My daughter is pretty certain she wants a nice suit walking her down the aisle. It is against my principles to buy clothes other than t-shirts and jeans.

But the situation demands.

Every time my mom and I would walk past some fancy clothes store she'd say, "let me buy you a suit." And I'd say, "no, mom, I don't need it."

Then the situation changed. We had a memorial service for my mom. So I went to Brooks Brothers and bought a jacket. It still works... but it is for cold weather. And it is starting to look a little worn, given that I wore it many many times.

I find that principles are prone to keep me from being alive... from responding to the needs of the moment. We ask people, as a criticism, "don't you have any principles?" Wouldn't it be a good answer, "no, I'm not attached to my preferences?"

How do we act when the signposts are not clearly marked?

I like to think, like the next guy (or gal), that I have principles. Do steal, don't lie, don't cheat. That's what my mother told me. But when she caught me smoking in my room two nights in a row... I told her that Confucius said that sometimes we should lie. She didn't believe me. So we both read through Confucius for a couple of days until one of us found it.

In Buddhism, there is talk of using "skillful means." Does this mean to lie, steal, and cheat? Maybe. If it is the only way to help someone move along the Way.

There is another Buddhist saying that one should not be attached to their preferences. Are preferences "principles." Kindof, sortof. Aren't they?

My mother-in-law said that she votes Republican, no matter what. Even if her favorite granddaughter (she only has one) is running on the Democratic ticket. Geeze, I'd vote for any party if my daughter was running. But then I might try to persuade her not to tow the party line.

I recently wrote about GE and the fact that they didn't pay taxes. Some have principles that rich companies should pay lots of taxes. I'm more of the elk that if they figure out how not to pay taxes, so much the better. But I'm not an advocate of big government.

Or war... but, throwing out principles, I love to see situations where mass murders are averted by military action (if that really was the case in Libya).

So how do we act, without principles? Well, we weight the benefits and consequences of each action and see what is worse... or better. What is difficult is that the signposts are not clearly marked.

GE is not an individual. GE cannot make individual choices. GE cannot be evil or not evil because it is not human.

As I sat this evening I thought about Kate's comments (the title of this post) and also thought about a discussion I had Saturday with a guy where I jumped on him when he said that we weren't computers (I think we are).

From a sociological perspective, a group has a personality like an individual. And so does a company. They do make choices and they can be evil. Just look at a "hanging party."

Individuals are not all that responsible for their choices. They are conditioned to think and feel in certain ways. They are physiologically wired to behave in certain ways... to be nurturing, to be angry, to be selfish.
So are individuals really free spirits? And if they are not, are companies?

And then there is the question of blaming GE because they made use of existing loopholes in the tax law. Since their promise to stockholders was to make a profit, I'm wondering if they'd be shirking their duties if they didn't take advantage of every loophole. People don't invest in GE because they are going to give their profits away. They want dividends or at least reinvestment.

GE paid no taxes... Good for them!

GE made great profits but paid no taxes. They are being deemed evil.

Before you hang them, consider the amount of taxes their employees and stockholders pay. Consider the jobs they create. Consider what we'd be without them.

And evil GE invests money in other countries. That's US dollars that can either go under a mattress, or eventually come back to the US. And, in the meantime, we've helped others. Is that so evil?

See Jon Stewart for more details. Every coin has two sides.

Returned from Taxes

I've been working on tax stuff... trying to get as much as I can back from Uncle Sam. Maybe it will prevent one bullet from being made... and one bullet from being spent. Or maybe the opposite. How can we know?

I went through a period of wanting "thanks"... and then I thought about the times we give food to the Buddha and he doesn't say anything. We should be thanking him because he gives us the opportunity to give. So then I decided just to say thanks... to people who give, and to people who take. Both are gifts. Thanks.

Last night, Pat spoke about anger. I remember a child psychologist who told my parents (when I was a kid and not doing well in school) that I had "extreme hostility toward my dad." It surprised me. I told my dad "did you know about this." He laughed. I thought about that as Pat gave her talk. She said that she didn't think of herself as an angry person... just as a person who sometimes (and justifiably) lets off steam.

I'm noticing lots of anger around me. Lots. Lots of intolerance too. On Facebook, someone was talking about a teacher in Kentucky who was blaming Obama for the recession. Someone wrote about how this was an "untruth." Are there really truths and untruths? Don't you think you could find a very brilliant thinker who would challenge anything we hold to be true. I know a not-so-brilliant thinker who would be glad to do so (me).

One of my classmates the other night said that she was dealing with her hate for Republicans. We were being asked to describe our "tree spirits"... demons that touch our buttons. Usually in the next sentence I hear "and they are so intolerant." Its the pot calling the kettle black. Rage. Rage. Lots of rage in the air.

I'd bring my fire extinguisher next week, but the little dial says, "time for refill."

Suffering: Greed, Hate, and Delusion

We learn from Buddhism that suffering comes from ignorance which breeds greed, hate, and delusion. When we believe that all the good in our life is permanent, and then it changes, we take it personally. We hurt.

And then there is a 9.0 earthquake in Japan. Which was enough, but coupled with a tsunami caused endless suffering that appears to even be impacting Japan's very strong economy.

Is this still an "opportunity for practice?" How does a good Buddhist (if "good" can be applied to a Buddhist) respond?

And what might be a compassionate response? One priest said to me, "I'd say, how can I help?" Most of us suffer. And our suffering borders on the ludicrous compared with those without resources such as water, food, shelter, etc. And what about those who can't venture outside lest they be struck with a bullet or kidnapped for ransom?

The Buddha said that suffering was all around us, and yet unnecessary. If we follow the Eightfold path (he said) we can be freed from suffering. Not from pain. But from suffering. That distinction seems to be the essence here. Suffering is a response to pain. There are others. "How can I help?" or "I'm so sorry for your pain" are others. So perhaps compassion might best be a reaction to pain, not suffering. Helping others to understand the difference might shed some of that suffering. We all know of people in constant pain, yet full of love and happiness, enjoying their life to the fullest extent. And others, with barely a misfortune, who wish they never had stepped foot on earth. Is this a choice we can make? I think so.

Another Question

Last week the gentleman asked if zen would make him a better parent. Today, sitting on the same cushion, a man asked why is sitting worth it when other activities seem to be more profitable considering the time involved.

We used to call these teachable moments. Luckily, I was not the teacher. There wasn't time to discuss my ideas of profit, and a quote from the Bible "what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul" would not work since you lose your soul in Zen, discovering that the soul (called "self") does not exist.

The teacher did mention that Zen is not a gaining activity (my words). The problem with saying that "sitting will do this for you" is that if people sit for that benefit they might miss the experience while waiting for the award to come. Doing things for the result never work out too well. And if the result doesn't come, we live the rest of life dressed in bitterness.

Then the teacher said that dana (donations) was important). The next thing I know is that a basket was being passed. That didn't feel good to me, especially at a beginners' class. I think we ought to get drug pushers to teach classes in hooking customers. They give the product away until the customer is hooked... and then they start charging—or so I've heard.

In any case, I politely took the basket and passed it on.

What will next week bring?

kim the old man tan hat

How did she know? I went to this Greek restaurant down the street from the Zen center to have dinner. I had a GroupOn coupon... that they wouldn't let me use for lunch. There were three young musicians there singing Greek songs. They were good, but the combination of the concrete floor, the loud music (to my hearing aids), and the bright lights led me to order dinner to take out.

The waitress asked if I'd like a Greek salad with my dinner (which included salad). I said sure. Then she hit me with the bill... I didn't realize the Greek salad was more. No problem... I thought. I'm getting this dinner cheap.

Then she gave me the receipt. It said "kim the old man tan hat." "Holy s..t," I thought. So I asked her if that was supposed to describe "me." "Yes," she said, "it is loud in here so we have to describe people."

I came home and sat down to eat. Soon my wife came home and I asked her if she'd like to share. Then I asked her how anyone would think I'm an old man with a hat covering up my bald head. Unfortunately she told me... my grey sideburns, my posture... at that point I had enough and quit listening.

Austin is a town with mostly young people. I like that... especially when I'm feeling like one of the kids. So if you see me, please tell me how young I look... and don't, please don't, call me "the old man tan hat."

Quitting Zen

I quit zen last week. Cold turkey. It had something to do with the reason I retired... to only do art. Did it feel good! Just like "emptying a tea pot" (my teacher's words today).

Then Saturday I sat in on a beginner's sitting class (which I'm supposed to do three times before teaching such a class). I can't remember why I went... having quit.... except that after the class there was a talk that I wanted to hear by a Qi Gong practitioner. At the class, one of the students asked if studying zen would help him rearing his children?

When I observe a class I try not to talk. But I was intrigued by his question. What a great way to evaluate an activity... will it make me a better parent?

As I looked around the room I saw people who had come there for themselves. Or at least, all of them besides the father who wanted to be a better father. Then I saw myself, four years ago, at my first beginner's class (actually it was one-on-one). I went there for myself. Not because I wanted to be a better parent.

After awhile I couldn't contain myself. Sitting is not something we just do for ourselves, but for all. (I can just hear some saying, "but don't sit for me.") I tried to explain how, if we become quiet, centered, focused, or whatever good might come of our sitting, then we might pass that on to others. And them to others. And not just to people, but to other things... even to the sidewalk. Imagine how good a sidewalk would feel if people didn't just stomp on it.

So my Zen teacher had a jerky mouse today. I tried to fix it on his aging computer. As I waited for some program to download we started talking. That's when he told me about emptying a tea pot.

Mexican Alameda Museum

San Antonio

Two Trees, Two Shadows

Two Trees, Two Shadows by Kim Mosley, 1980

In the old days, I'd take pictures on my walks. Then I'd come back to my studio and paint on them. Now I sit and look at a wall. Tell me, Avalokiteshvara, which is more productive? Oh... this piece is being auctioned at and for the Visual Studies Workshop in Rochester, N.Y., where I studied in the 70s and exhibited in the 80s. Email me (mr@kimmosley.com) if you wish to bid on it and I'll give you more info.

Last day for bandage.

Left Wimberly for Burmese sticky rice festival

Illuminated Feeding Doe / My Shady Past

 

I found this at Goodwill. It reminded me of http://www.wimp.com/kineticsculpture/ 

And then, at dinner, I heard about a Texas who shot a buck he saw on the side of the road "because he couldn't help himself." He received a big fine because it was not hunting season.

I'm investigating some of my more shady past. Fascinating to hear about something all your life and then, thanks to the digitizing of newspapers and some energetic relatives, finally to be able to read about it. I'm sure, if I had any pride, I'd keep this all a secret. But I guess I don't.

So here it is: Sam Sax, Arson Trust

Looking at Kim

Tomorrow will be a calm day, won't it?

Finally today, on the second try, got to speak to the help desk. Presto, I was monkeying with the printer while I was waiting and the darn thing fixed itself. I basically couldn't claim any issues except that their printer was a piece of junk and I've spent more time on it than any other printer in any of my lifetimes.

There was an issue with a cartridge from OfficeMax that was showing 20% full, so I exchanged it for another which was also 20% full so I asked to exchange it for another, but by Brother rather than remanufactured. This one also measured 20%. I didn't think I should pay any more for the third cartridge and they did... so I called the district manager and he told them to give it to me. I did finally figure out that it was the printer, and not the cartridges that only 20% full... so I called OfficeMax and told them I was wrong.

Then tonight a full-moon ceremony to celebrate the full-moon, the end of the Chinese New Year celebration, and last, but not least, a renewal of vows. We talked about "no anger" which was hard for me because I'm not too good at anger... though I do get angry sometimes when I'm talking to a recorded message and they don't stop and listen. My wife asked me why I was yelling. It was pretty funny... and sad.

Tomorrow will be a calm day, won't it?

Eureka and Sisyphus

Some of you have heard of the myth of Sisyphus, the original existential hero, who angered the Gods when he begged to come back to earth for a short visit... and then refused to return to the afterlife.

Today my job was to call computer companies, and just when they were able to help me on a couple of issues, the iPhone would drop the call. I'd hold for about 10 minutes, then be told that I needed a Mac specialist. Then another 10 minutes. If I was lucky, I would start a conversation with the Mac specialist. If I wasn't, I'd be dropped after another 10 minutes.

Though most of this holding on occurred in the office of a Zen temple, I was not in a Zen mood, nor were the two priests in the room, one of who needed me to be done with my task. They were talking in their normal (somewhat loud) voices, and I was trying to understand people whose second language was English.

Finally I tried another solution and it worked. Yea! It is not my favorite solution, but, by God, it works. So tomorrow I can go look at ART and hopefully all will be happy.

Yea. I was much luckier that Sisyphus, who was given an eternal job as punishment of pushing a boulder up a hill each day, only for the boulder to fall down each evening. Hope no boulders will be at the bottom of the hill tomorrow.

Zen Dilemma

Saturday I heard a dharma talk, where the speaker said that if we saw things clearly, we would see them "as they are." I've mentioned before that Suzuki called this, "as it is." At first his students, confident in their native English tongue, would correct him. But he would insist, "as it is." To me, this designates that there is only one thing, and therefore "it" is the correct word.

In any case, I wondered if a number of people all looked in the same direction and all saw things as they are (or as it is), would they all see the same thing? I asked the speaker. He didn't think so. I also wondered if they would make art if they got rid of their ego. He said, no, he didn't mean that and sometime he'd give a talk about why the ego is good. There is the story about all these photographers who photographed the same mountain from the same vantage point and all the photos looked completely different.

So we have the world we construct, and then we have the world we see when we are not constructing. How can it be that we'd all see the non-constructed real world differently? What would account for the differences?

Stepping Out on my Wife

She's out of town so I'm at Pokejo's. Some of you might wonder what happened to my vegan sensibility. Well, it has been diminishing. First there was the rationalization that the meat eats veges, or eats animals that eat veges, so when you eat meat you are really just eating veges.

Then, not quite satisfied with that as an excuse, I decided that I could eat meat if I was sensitive to the fact that these creatures had give their life for me (as Christ did?). But soon I was enjoying the meat and forgetting about the compassion.

Later I was noticing that I was feeling better eating meat. Is that why the Dalai Lama's doc prescribed meat for his patient?

And tonight my wife and I went to dinner, and I had a vege bento plate (salad, vege tempuri, brown rice, vege egg rolls, and miso soup. Yum! I had been a little sick of the vege stuff... and needed a break. Glad she's back home (wife and veges).

Trigger Thumb Surgery

Hand is identified.


Surgeon signs his work. Before cutting, but after the numbing shot.


Voila! It bends.


He said it works 3000 out of 3000 times. So far, so good... yea!

Two-timing Tabby, Facing the wall, and Thich Nhat Hanh

As I ponder whether anything can be in two places at once, I received a couple of emails today, both to elists. The first was from the Rosedale (Austin) elist:

Are we sharing a brown tabby, neutered male, fourteen pounds? Sits like a buddha cat when grooming; mews rather than meows? Can't figure out how he could be so fat when you have him on a diet? I have a cat of this description who disappears some nights and some days, with no pattern to his comings and goings. Might he have been missing yesterday in the day time, but at your house overnight? Was your tabby home safe and sound the night last week when the rain storm blew in, but then disappeared the next morning to go missing in action during the snow storm? I know my cat is capable of such duplicity; he abandoned his previous owners from across the street and adopted us three years ago.

If you're suspicious your cat is two-timing you, contact me off list and we can compare cat notes.

and the second, from the Missouri Zen Center:

When you are facing the wall, it will not matter where you are."

Then at lunch, a priest talked about Thich Nhat Hanh, who is very difficult to visit, and who meditates 14 hours a day. She said that he doesn't see himself as somewhere, but rather everywhere. Is this what quantum physics is all about?

P.S. This was all spurred on by William, the scientist, who was in Canada when he witnessed my wedding in Peoria.

I just received an email from William, thanking me for the .pdf I sent him of the document he signed and said that he'd show it to his friends as evidence of his past life. He didn't explain how he could have signed it without being there. I'm assuming he decided that he was mistaken about being in Canada.

Ruining the good with the bad.

Sometimes it isn't just good enough. She found a gentle skilled dentist to do a crown/root canal. She found out that she didn't need the root canal from his recommended endodontist, And he charged less than the old dentist. Good, right?

Then she discovered, too late, that she could have saved a little by paying by check instead of a charge card. Always ask if they give you a discount for a check if you can afford it. So what should have been a situation for great rejoicing was somewhat hampered by regret.

Is there ever a situation that isn't like this? What is that about? Just when you fall in love with a restaurant the priest tells you that he walked by and saw them sweeping the tables with a floor broom (I couldn't go back.) How many situations are like that? Something you know about someone that keeps you from liking them. Or you can't enjoy a donut (it was free too) because it had a lot of calories.

Are you just suppose to overlook the bad? Or not get attached to the good? I'm stuck... just realizing what a bad habit this is... and not knowing how to change.  Any solutions here?